Daniel B. Silver


I Suck At Dork

Some think that because I spend so much of my life surrounding myself will all things dweeb-related: movies, TV shows, comic books, podcasts, pulpy novels, video games, pulpy novels based on video games, anime based on video games, non-gaming related anime, and type II diabetes - that I should be more caught up on this stuff. And while I do not dispute that I spend quite a bit of my time immersed in the same, I will note that I have an over-full-time job, a dog, a sex life, an odd fascination with lifting heavy things, and a liver in need of constant discipline lest it succeed in fully-detoxifying my blood thereby making me easy prey for Mormon mosquitos. Add all that up, and there are bound to be scheduling conflicts.

Truth is, I’ve been late to the game in lots of nerd stuff, I’m afraid. I was late on Cowboy Bebop having seen the movie before the rest of the series. I was late on Priest and Y The Last Man and am reading both now. I was just a tad late on Firefly, but still don’t feel like I supported it enough. I still haven’t seen The Pacific War miniseries despite being a giant Band of Brothers fan. I fell off the Dexter bandwagon and got two seasons behind (I am now caught up, though). Face it: I’m a nerd-mess. Might as well turn in my card.

However, I can’t think of a more glaring example of my slacking in the nerd-arena than my recent late-comings to a TV series that is no longer on the air: Arrested Development. For the last several weeks, I have been watching every Arrested Development episode that I can fit in on my streaming Netflix via the Xbox: the most-dorky appliance one can stream Netflix on, by the way.

And though I had previously caught up with Louis C.K.’s show in this manner, I still am digesting Arrested Development and already entering pre-withdraw over the fact that I know I will have seen it all soon and will no longer have a show I can reliably laugh in hysterics over at the mercy of a few button presses. Well, except for Fox News; that’s always completely hysterical but in a truly revolting and downright terrifying way – one that makes me really wish nobody ever invented nuclear arms and hedge funds.

The other thing that really makes me upset about the untimely passing of the brilliance that is Arrested Development is that soon I will be forced to pick another series to devour, and I am running out of comedy. This means that at some point I am going to have to attempt to watch Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones, and while I understand that every man and woman on earth is jizzing or splooshing in their proverbial, respective undergarments over the shows, I have a very difficult time watching dramatic television series. And here’s why:

  1. They aren’t Battlestar Galactica.
  2. As with all dramatic series, the pressure to have a new, emotionally gripping event happen every episode totally blows the suspension of disbelief for me.

The example I like to use for the latter is Sons of Anarchy. I hate to break it to all you SAMCRO fans out there, but if the show was at all real the entire cast of characters would:

  1. Be dead by season three.
  2. Be in jail by season two.
  3. Be predominately comprised of steroid or meth-addled white trash with little socially redeeming qualities and minimal likeability. Also A and B.

 

So, in other words, the characters on Sons of Anarchy would be very well at home as real-life people on one of those channels where housewives are “real” in the same way that their leathery faces are and people like to wrestle fish with their bare hands and occasionally get bit by snakes, all the while exclaiming, “Hot darn, that’s a big ol’ rattler!” in the final moments preceding their predictable demises.

I get it, though. I know that Breaking Bad is widely said to be brilliant, but I’m just not thrilled by the subject matter. There isn’t one scene in space. They aren’t any killer robots. And I am pretty sure that there are no coed showers, which are truly the best part about the military of the future if I learned anything from Starship Troopers.

It’s the same with Game of Thrones, too. I mean, on paper that seems like something I should totally dig, right? It has violence. It isn’t at all grounded in reality. And there are – again, so I’ve heard – bouncing, beautiful breasts frequenting the screen. But here’s the thing: I don’t care about white people with swords. I mean, I like the movie Excalibur and all, but I’m not joining the SCA anytime soon. Nor, for that matter, do I take any entertainment value from Conan (not O’Brien) on any level not closely associated with deep belly-laughs over the competing seriousness in gaze of James Earl Jones and Ahhhnold doing that weird thing he does with his voice wherein he sounds like a Wookie… but one from Austria.

Hmmm. Just took a quick break from writing this and it seems The League is available on streaming Netflix. Sooooo, maybe I’ll watch that, then Battlestar Galactica in its entirety again, and then I’ll dive into Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad. Or it’s possible that by then Halo 4 will be out and I can defer a few more months. And let’s not forget internet porn.