Daniel B. Silver


It’s The Force Awakens Review You’ve Been Waiting For

 

It was really good!* ** ***
(*posts picture of giant nerd-boner)
(**drops mic)
(***goes to see it for the third time)


Now that that's out of the way, I can delve into the actual movie I'm reviewing here: Point Break (2015). Whooboy, folks. Whooboy. Look, I know what you are thinking right now: "What would possess you to go see that steaming pile of nonsense and pay real, honest to goodness money in furtherance of such a quest?" The answer is simple: Kevin and I were gonna see the new Tarantino flick but it was both sold out and (I have since learned) is nearly three hours in length, which means that there's gonna be at least an hour of footage of Frodo and the rest of the Fellowship hiking up a mountain, or down a mountain, or through a dale, or over a bridge, or next to a creek, or stopping to have a snack, etc. Anyhow, Hateful 8 was sold out and I had two Miller High Lives (I'm assuming this is the plural of Miller High Life) and a shot of whiskey on board and it seemed like a decent enough idea at the time because Kevin was buying. So we go see Johnny Utah's second cinematic appearance; I count at least four people (about 50% of the attendees) flat out walking out of the movie, and that brings us to now.


Holy crap, that was bad. And I want you to know that I say this as someone who both realizes and accepts the silliness of the original and simultaneously still thinks it is an American Classic. I also know I'm not alone on this because the original stars three cinematic icons – Busey, Swayze and Keanu – and was directed by Kathryn Bigelow early in her career, a director who I will note went on to win two Academy Awards for movies involving guns and explosions.


This movie was awful enough that I want it stricken from the record as its very existence tarnishes the legacy of the original flick it tried so desperately to modernize. It is as if the production staff watched the original and tried their dandiest to figure out how to suck every ounce of fun and joy out of it, then cast some French figure models with no prior acting experience to preach to the audience about the necessity of free climbing and motocross to reconnect to nature in order to get better at snowboarding and world peace and also there's some stuff about mining and global warming whatever I forget fuck it.


The Point Break remake is the cinematic equivalent of a free mustache ride but that mustache is Hitler's. The experience of seeing this movie is similar to everyone in your social circle having awesome super powers but yours is the ability to sweat glitter. Taking the time out of your day to drink this miserable film in with your poor eyeballs is less desirable than being trapped in the back of a taxi in Los Angeles during rush hour on the 405 freeway but the taxi's interior is covered in old, sticky Vaseline and it's being driven by Kelly Osbourne and she's feeling chatty!!


So, in summation, go see the Point Break remake so you enjoy Force Awakens that much more, so you know how truly bad things could be even though Kylo Ren is played by a dude who looks like Emo Phillips got really into Sisters of Mercy. And I hope the film teaches you the important lesson I learned from it, that in order to find spiritual enlightenment in life one has to do pointless things like go skydiving with rich, white assholes who have fantastic abs.