Daniel B. Silver


It’s Official: The New Star Wars Movies Will Suck

It is a sad truth for me to admit so early on in the production period of the upcoming Star Wars sequels. However, it is the truth. They are going to blow, big time. And while the fans and film-critics will no doubt make the citation that they didn’t suck quite as badly as the dreaded prequels, Phantom Diarrhea, Attack of the Shitbox and Revenge of the Poop; they will still be terribly mediocre and by comparison to original three movies, crap.  

How do I know this, you ask? Well, let’s look at the preponderance of evidence so far:

  1. The movies are going to focus on the children of the main characters. And, I tend to think that such a statement doesn’t mean that “children” refers simply to the offspring of Luke, Han and/or Leia. I think it means actual kids, because George Lucas truly believed we would give a shit about what it was like when Darth Vader was a plucky, precocious little twerp. And god knows, there’s no way we could possibly understand a man’s descent into madness and evil if we didn’t know what kind of tantrums he threw when he wasn’t allowed to eat jellybeans for dinner. Remember Super-8? I don’t. Because as soon as I saw that the protagonists were children, I had to stop watching it - because I just don’t identify with kids… Because I’m not one anymore. I like S&M, strippers and whiskey. And Empire Strikes Back (no kids).

  2. J Abrams, the director hired for the next three films, made one decent movie and that’s it. That movie was the first Star Trek reboot, and even then, it wasn’t incredible. It was just decent and by comparison to later offerings from the traditional Star Trek franchises. But, let’s face it; there was still a zany and annoying “SCOTTIE IS TRAPPED IN A WATER PIPE, OH NO!” SCENE. “But,” you say, “JJ Abrams isn’t writing the next scripts. He is just producing/directing so at least he will have a solid story to work with.” That brings us to number three…

  3. Star Wars Episode 7 is being written by a guy whose most famous writing credit is a movie about a guy driving his daughter in a VW bus to a beauty pageant. Not saying that there was anything wrong with that flick, but it isn’t exactly engrained into the collective culture of Western Nerdness. And it reeks of child-potential. Remember Super-8?

  4. Just last night I saw the second of Abrams’ Star Trek films and no less than three goddamn characters had scenes wherein they let drip one single tear from their anguished faces. So, if you were hoping for complicated, dramatic gravitas and/or exceptional performances, look elsewhere, bro, because…

  5. JJ Abrams is to blame for Lost. And Felicity. And Alias.

Truthfully, what I took away from last night’s opening night showing of Star Trek: Into Darkness was that I am truly terrified by Abrams’ seemingly growing obsession with Michael Bay-esque non-stop, garish action sequences populated by attractive people with story thrown in only as an excuse to drench the silver screen in CGI sequences wherein everyone knows karate for some reason and protagonists never bring appropriate weaponry to do things that they really should have planned better for. The USS Enterprise is not the Millennium Falcon; it is not a smuggling ship with a couple of guns reluctantly drawn into the center of a bloody war between a plucky group of idealists who are always on the run and a space age superpower. The USS Enterprise is a military ship and I know this because it has FUCKING TORPEDOS and the Asian guy has a GODDAMN SWORD for some reason. And everyone knows karate. 

So this is what I can safely assume about the next Star Wars movie:

  1. Everyone will have a lightsaber, thereby making the novelty and intrigue associated with such an elegant weapon nullified.
  2. Things will be exploding everywhere, all of the time. Ships? BOOM! Bases? BOOM! Toasters? BOOM! R2? BOOM!
  3. There will be some sort of cringe inducing death and/or love scene at some point inspiring spontaneous laughter from me, like when Kirk randomly coughed while dying and Spock cried his single tear before screaming KAAAAAHHHHHNNNNN! Instead, Luke Skywalker Junior, age 12, will scream, “DAAAAAAARRRRTTTTHHHHH (BADNESS, NEFARIOUS, ETC.)!”