Daniel B. Silver


Everything is Horrible and You Will All Soon Perish

There’s bad stuff going on in the world - bad, bad stuff. You got your global warming that is past predicted worst-case scenarios generated when it was first discovered to be at least some byproduct of human generated carbon emissions to the non-Fox News loving “Oxy-gen is fer commies! Long live good ol’ cee-oh-two!” crowd, years ago. Then you got your thriving indentured servitude in Pakistan, your female genital mutilation in Ethiopia that continues due to the prevailing mood of Muslim men and women in the region to continue the practice but no longer sew shut the vagina until marriage (progress!), your heavy-handed “pacification” of the impoverished favelas around Rio before the Summer Games and World Cup (let’s not forget the horrific narco gang violence that made such a move seemingly necessary), after-this-World-Cup-next-World-Cup stadium construction in Quatar that is killing scores of workers due to zero respect for the lives of migrant labor, your destabilization of Mexico and related countries in the cartel-controlled areas, fucking Crocs, Afghanistan mere moments away from being totally controlled by the Taliban again (progress!), a disappearing middle class in the US, etc. You get the idea.

Yes, I’ve been watching Vice Magazine’s investigative reporting TV show on HBO. Why do you ask?  

So, where to start, folks? What issue do I tackle first? Where to start indeed… NEVERMIND I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE TO START BECAUSE I WENT TO NEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW YOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRK CITAAAAAAAAAAY!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

And, gosh you guys, you are so totes not gonna guess what happened while I was there?! Here’s a brief run-down:

And while I was in The Big Apple (I don’t know why they call it that) some rather bad things happened, which I will list now:

Holy Marty Mother of Jethro did the Three Hundo sequel suck. And I’m not talking about the kind of suck that can exist but still make a movie watchable if there is sufficient sex and/or violence (read: Total Recall – the first one, stupid.) But, let’s be clear about this, there’s plenty of sex and violence in this steamy pile of Spartan-poo. As a matter of fact, there’s just as much sex and violence as in the first one. More even! However, there were several key things missing from this film that were present in the first movie of the franchise, which I will list thusly:

300: Greece Reloaded was so bad that I audibly and uncontrollably laughed at a key scene in the film which was obviously of (supposed) great dramatic significance. I will describe this scene with the following sentences:

300 Part 2: 300 Harder was, in all likelihood, a ploy to make the first movie seem much better than it indeed was. Because the first one was just two hours of buff men with makeup on their abs wearing hot pants beheading Middle Eastern racial stereotype soldiers in slow motion set to a soundtrack with a decibel level not dissimilar to a subway train traveling full speed into the world’s largest box of delicate stemware. In short, 300 Part ONE– SIN-GU-LAR-SENSATION! (*jazz hands) had pacing and editing clearly drummed up by a person who had been on a combo of psilocybin mushrooms and gnarly indoor hydroponic weed for roughly the last fifteen years, the kind of person who never moved on from that phase where “Smack My Bitch Up” by, um, Moby(?) was seriously his JAM, Bro.

Don’t ever see that pile of crap. Stage protests if they try to make another one. It’s time to draw a line in the sand about at least one issue in the profoundly messed up world. I feel like this is as good a place as any to start.

And don’t ever go to New York. Go to an AA meeting instead. You’ll feel better. (Yes, I used that line on Twitter already but nobody reads this crap.)