Daniel B. Silver


A Very Special 50th Anniversary Edition of I Have Never Seen and Don’t Care About Dr. Who

Let’s face it; I am a bad nerd sometimes. Yeah, sure, I have a ton of Star Wars stuff, thousands of comic books taking up valuable apartment space, a Batman tattoo and an impressive mental library of game consoles I have owned and loved over the years, but that doesn’t mean that I have enough time to keep up with every sci-fi or fantasy thing that flashes across the TV for a season or two before it’s cancelled with level of non-ceremony usually reserved for one’s dead childhood goldfish when mom or dad was trying to replace it with a live one while your ignorant little ass was at school eating paste and falling down a lot. And, true, sometimes these shows do not get cancelled right away. Sometimes, they stay around for what seems like an eternity and then said shows make a curious mark in pop culture and all of the sudden that dude who gave you wedgie in the quad at high school during lunch in front of that girl you wanted to bang is taking said girl to the OMG !It’s The Buffy Sing Along!! wherein you see him totally finger-blasting her in the back of the theater and then you cry and accidentally kick your gigantic soda over on the floor, fatty. NOW HOW WILL YOU WASH DOWN THOSE 700 JUNIOR MINTS YOU BOUGHT?

Then there’s the third kind of nerdy TV show: the kind that never, ever, ever gets cancelled and spawns its very own culture and conventions wherein one can meet the B-list “celebrity” who played Ensign #4 on that one episode that one time and get his autograph on a glossy head shot for like twenty bucks because your poor-ass didn’t have the two-hundo required to get the same from that fucking greedy dickhead, Shatner. Obviously, the archetypal example of one of these shows is Star Trek and its many iterations thereof. But, guess what show Dan Silver has never seen and knows pretty much nothing about – other than the unavoidable things I’ve gathered by nerd-osmosis – is now celebrating its fifty year anniversary?

It’s Dr. Who, moron. Did you even read the title of this piece? Step your game up.

No. I have never seen Dr. Who. No, I don’t plan on watching this doctor person cavort about in his spaceship or whatever anytime soon. Yes, I am rather stalwart and curmudgeonly about this.

Look, I am not getting any younger. I have limited brain-space. I have already devoted more than enough of my clearly limited memory space to useless knowledge about comics, TV, movies, video games, etc. (OMG DID YOU KNOW THAT RUTGER HAUER TOTALLY AD-LIBBED THE ‘TEARS IN THE RAIN’ SILILOQUY?!!!!) So I really don’t need another thing taking up space that could be devoted to remaining knowledgeable about the location of where the hell I parked in the long-term lot at SFO when coming back from a booze-filled weekend in Vegas wherein I pumped dollar after dollar into a slot machine solely because it was Star Wars themed and played the “Imperial March” when I pressed the buttons and what not. I do not need to also feel compelled to put my hard-earned money in a “Tardis” or whatever. So there.

Also, Dr. Who is totally just a rip-off of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. This fact is irrefutable. Go to hell, nerd.

07-01-2014