Daniel B. Silver


Comic Con 2013 is Over...Now get your happy-ass to Burning Man (And Cock)

 

SDCC did not disappoint this year. The antics of my cohorts and I were noteworthy but I won’t really go into them as names and faces must be changed to protect the innocent. What I will say about my annual San Diego Nerdfest is that there was an abundance of alcohol, pranks and male nudity. We all felt very sorry for the housekeeping staff. We ate horrible food, but especially Sam, who on several occasions ate this giant pile of French fries, carne asada, guac, sour cream, salsa and cheese in defiance of all that is considered to be a good idea from a nutritional perspective. Also, I wore a dress and a pretty long, blue wig. I’m sure one day these images will haunt me should I attempt to run for elected office. But I was in Nerd Rome, and so did I do as one does.

What I really want to talk about here: images that haunt a candidate when running for elected office, as is currently in the news, specifically in regard to poor, horny Anthony “Carlos Danger” Weiner. Now, I would not dare throw stones from the glass house of boner-displayers, as lord knows my own dick is like Star Wars at this point: we’ve all seen it and most of us can quote it verbatim (inside joke). However, I am not attempting to repair any kind of reputation as a repentant married man who made a mistake and is trying to win back the trust of the electorate. Everybody knows I’m a recovering philanderer and a giant flirt with access to a camera-phone who occasionally goes all Brett Favre on potential partners. As a matter of fact, I think my own erection-photography is quite well composed with nuanced lighting and balanced candor. At least, that’s what the art critic said who I accidentally emailed a cock-shot to. I was rather proud.

The problems with Anthony Weiner are the stuff of comic gold, which completely overshadows the fact that his poor wife has to once again have her picture all over the media with a photo of Lil’ Tony Weiner Jr. next to her face on CNN. I feel for that woman. It sucks to be cheated on. But at least us normal folks can sort it out in therapy, be one the cheater or the jilted lover. And when the first incident of cock-display broke the news, I was basically thinking, Meh. He fucked up. He should apologize and move on. Rather than that, he went on the offensive and lied, and when one is in a position of public trust, that’s a pretty bad career move. So I understood why it was probably a good idea for him to resign from congress and lay low for a spell. Weiner is no Clinton when it comes to charisma. (I mean, that dude stuck random objects in a woman and walked away clean like he was an imprisoned bank robber who successfully hid the millions of dollars until his release from Club Fed and then moved to the French Riviera with his recovered spoils.) I thought, Hell, dude is gonna need to keep quiet for a while and work on his marriage, find some redemption, etc, if he ever wants to be in politics again. And he did.

Anthony Weiner drifted away from the public eye after tearful apologies and promises of working on his sexual addiction, being a Super Husband to his lovely wife‚Ķ yadda-yadda. Then, when the time was right and his political advisors and life-coaches and Russian strength trainers and steroid suppliers and Bridgitte Nielsen (Wait, this is Rocky 4 I’m describing, isn’t it) gave him the go-sign, he ran for mayor of NY. The campaign was going well. He was on his way to political redemption. He was ahead in the polls and then BOOOOOOOOOOM, Carlos Danger’s COCK is on TV again! And he was using a stupid name to disassociate himself from his own, stupid name! It’s all so delicious!

So we all laugh at Weiner’s torpedo(heh)ing of his career, and seeming inability to not share his boner with young women. Also his stupid alias. Also his timing. But we will soon forget about this once more; it will be fodder for jokes for Fallon, Stewart and Kimmel for a while. Then some royal/rich schmuck will give birth to the Golden Child and the national concern will shift to that, as will the jokes.

But what will still remain is the central issue to the Weiner/Danger Scandal: sexting. Specifically, is it full on, %100 cheating? I know that opinions will vary on this, and I won’t argue that in a committed relationship it is some level of betrayal in the classical sense, but I would counter that there’s a big difference between getting a fancy hotel room on a “work trip” and banging one’s secretary like a jackhammer, as opposed to sending photos and words like “Ima” and “cum” via text. One of these things, the act of having an affair, requires a very high level of deception and/or lies. The other requires a phone and a willing participant, and can be done pretty much wherever, at least in some degree.

I like to think about it like this: is paid phone sex or internet “cam-girl” use cheating? The extremely jealous type would say, “ABSOLUTELY, YOU FUCKING BASTARD! WHO IS YOUR WHORE?!” The rest of us would probably think of it akin to viewing pornography and simply wonder why the sucker would shell out hard-earned cash for something that is basically interactive porn, when free porn is everywhere. The lack of business transaction in sexting another person is clearly the delineator. But is it that serious a difference? I don’t know. I can say that I’d much rather my wife is sexting a guy who she likely met on the internet and has no chance of meeting than having an affair. Then again, it totally depends how long we have been married, AmIRight, folks?! Heeeyoooo!

In closing on this topic, I will say this. Anthony Weiner is a man out of his ideal time. One day, the Weiners of the world will be able to have interactive “sexting-type” encounters with completely artificial intelligence. One day the bulk of affairs will be only of the mind and in the guise of sexual computer games/progarms wherein one can video chat/cyber-sex with a half-woman/half-elf with three boobs and a magic, vibrating vagina that iterates itself in the form of an item one can attach via USB port and purchase in the AI section of Best Buy. This is my vision of the future, for am the Boner Oracle.

I will be exhibiting my inventions at SDCC 2025. You are free to invest.

Anyhow, I’m back from the Con. Please hurry, late August, so all you frickin’ raver, hippie “Burners” will get out of my town and I can find parking and dinner reservations for a week or so with relative ease.